I remember when I first learned that word as a girl of about seven. I liked it when my mother first said it. It sounded like ‘tickle’ and made me laugh. Then she asked if I knew what it meant. Her tone, the look in her eyes, made me know that there was more and that ‘more’ wasn’t as good as it sounded. I shook my head no and she told me the meaning. I knew immediately that I didn’t want to be fickle, the cuteness of the word notwithstanding.
I take some pride in being a person of my word. I try to live with integrity. I bristle at the idea of over-promising and under-delivering. And when it happens, I am humbled or even ashamed.
When I started this blog more than three years ago, I chose the day carefully. I had visions of writing something profound or at least terse and witty multiple times a week. With each new entry, I would leave my imagined audience wanting more. And I would supply it in a steady stream.
Instead: nothing. After days stretched into weeks, I could no longer figure out how to pick up without admitting some sort of defeat so early into the blogging game. So I just didn’t write. Now, after my unanticipated and belated return to this blog, I stand between wanting to offer some contrite explanation and desiring to strike the page with no record that I had ever started. In a world of alternative facts, I rationalized that my omission would be inconsequential to all but me.
The last three words, “all but me” is what stopped me. Why should I misrepresent myself to myself? Why pretend my false start was really no start? I realized that I feared being seen as fickle, even to myself. It flew in the face of my preferred narrative: my decisiveness and sticktoitiveness.
But maybe that’s the point. I mean, I am on a journey, after all. And my journey–with its many destinations and detours, a general direction, and an endpoint as yet unknown to me–exposes me to be more nuanced and blemished than my preferred narrative. I can be fickle sometimes though I try not to be. I strive for integrity and perseverance and clarity of vision. But life is not a straight line. I’ll offer myself grace and continue on the journey.